Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Finding Humor in the Madoff Crimes

Madoff's List - Bernie, Come Home!

Oy vey. It is all Hitler's fault.

Before the big war, the goyim knew pretty well how fishy we could be with money. But because of this mishuggah anti-Semite Hitler, they became convinced that the defeat of the Nazis was also a declaration of our innocence.

Oi ever, it was not only the stupid goyim who gave their gelt to Bernie Madoff. Everyone thought he was a heymishe Jewish guy. Even Steven'le Shpielberg and Elie Wiesel handed over all their shekels to this Yiddisher ganef, and now they're wondering where the next bowl of chicken soup is coming from.

Last Passover I told that old alta kocker, "Bernie'le, why don't you learn from Monyle? Do it in small steps, one chicken here, a credit card there. 50 billion is just a bit too much in one helping."

I tell you, I feel it in my kishkas. Even my dog Ponzi is looking nervous. For so long we have managed to effectively silence the goyim with this political correctness, but I always knew that eventually they would come for us. I am so worried.

I really hope Bernard'le left some money under the floorboards so that he can at least pay back Shpielberg to cover the costs of his new Swindler's List production.

He may even call it "Madoff's List".

United against a new Shoah

Alta Kocker - an old shit or an old fart.

Gelt - gold, money. Hanukkah gelt are the chocolate gold-foiled coins traditionally given at the holiday.

Gonif (gon-niff) - thief, dishonest person, embezzler, unscrupulous businessman.

Haymishe - warm, homey, friendly.

Kishka - guts, intestines. "I was so upset, I was eating my kishkas out!" "Some secret agent! After 10 minutes of questioning, he spilled his kishkas!"

Mishuggah (mish-shug-uh) - crazy, nuts, loony-tunes.
image for Mossad Pension Fund hit for $900 million in Madoff  Ponzi scam

Tel Aviv - (Sorry Ass Mess): The Israeli secret intelligence service is hopping mad after Off-the-Wall-St trader Bernard Madoff lost 95% of the Mossad's pension fund in his $50 billion hedge fund collapse.

"How come we didn't see this one coming?" the intelligence (sic) agency's CEO raged today after being told the Madoff Ponzi scam was modelled on Mossad's very own 1980s blueprint for bringing down OPEC securities.

Madoff, 69, is said to have asked for FBI protection after rumors of irate Israeli spooks sending out a posse to 'nail his thieving ass' for the pyramid scheme.

The CIA meanwhile is probing his hedge fund fantasy factory to 2002 Iraq WMD fiction production.

Reports that ex-UK Prime Monster Tony Blair has also lost his entire pension annuity fund in the Madoff collapse are at boiling point in Whitehall.

Valerie Plame is one smug bitch.
Written by queen mudder


Bernard Madoff appointed Commissioner of Social Security Administration

by Dominus Noster

Bernard Madoff appointed Commissioner of Social Security Admnistration
Bernard Madoff appointed Commissioner of Social Security Admnistration
WASHINGTON, D.C.--Bernard Madoff, a certified-expert in ponzi schemes, has been appointed as Commissioner of the Social Security Administration. The bipartisan consensus on the Hill is that Mr. Madoff would make a great Commissioner.

"My strategy was working so long as the Federal Reserve and the government were able to keep the inflationary bubble going, and I was able to get more and more dollars of a lesser value deposited into my accounts. The only thing I was really lacking was a printing press in my office," said Commissioner Madoff.

"We all know the way the government and the Federal Reserve work, and the entire Social Security scam system," said Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi. "So long as Mr. Madoff has the full support of the government's printing press, he will be able to manage Social Security accounts with expertise."

"A lot of people think Mr. Madoff cheated investors. Perhaps his case demonstrates the need for reform, by allowing hedge fund managers the ability to print dollars on demand, since it would certainly stimulate the economy as Ben Bernanke himself says," said Congressman John Boehner.

Many insiders believe that Bernard Madoff could become next in line for an appointment to the Federal Reserve Board of Governors.

"As of right now, I certainly have no interest in becoming a Federal Reserve Governor. But I'll do just fine with the Social Security Administration, since it has the backing of the printing press. I mean everybody expects to get paid in dollars worth way less than they were when they were taken by the government," Madoff said.

source: Unconfirmed Sources

Bailout Madoff

By: Brady Willett

With the financial markets already in a state of panic and the global recession expected to worsen in 2009, we can ill afford to allow the financial institutions, charities, and rich idiots that entrusted Bernard Madoff with their money to go bust. As for the widespread contention that since Mr. Madoff committed fraud he deserves to go to jail, do not think of Madoff as operating a ponzi scheme so much as a Strong Armed Perception Fund (SAP Fund), and don’t think of him as breaking the law so much breaking new ground in the arena of fictitious returns.

In short, there needs to be a new bailout effort entitled the Criminal Reprieve Assistance Program (CRAP) to provide ingenious criminals like Madoff the tools required to help kick start the faltering U.S. economy. By investing $100 billion with Madoff so that he can start-up a new and improved SAP Fund and make current clients whole, the CRAP would immediately help restore confidence in the marketplace. Concurrent with the Madoff bailout pieces of CRAP could also be used to expedite the release of jailed mortgage brokers so that they can help stabilize the collapsing U.S. housing market by doing what they do best - underwriting crappy mortgages.

What we have failed to learn time and time again is that the Madoffs’ of this world take risks that ordinary investors do not, and only when these criminals amass enough capital and clout does the average investor stand to benefit. If adopted the CRAP can effectively flush out the safety-crazed attitudes of investors now taking root and allow unlawful innovation and the temporary perception of wealth to flourish once again. It goes without saying that the only alternative if the CRAP sinks and Madoff doesn’t get bailed out is financial Armageddon, millions of jobs losses, and another Great Depression.


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In somewhat related news, Michael Chertoff reminds us that things could be worse.



  1. You, Kenny, are a man after my own heart. As long as you understand that my tuches belongs to Charlie Pottins. I am going to put a link to you on AZ under "Auntie's kosher cyber friends"
    x x x x and please, the next time you come to shabbas, not to bring a shiksa goddess on your arm. It made Mrs Mendelsohn's daughter, Rachel, quite upset the last time.You should give her a chance, Kenny. She knows how to made a good knoedle.

  2. I love the bit from Brady about the new bailout fund - CRAP. That is too funny. The scary thing is that they are really talking about such a thing, although I'm sure they'll use a different term. They wouldn't want to make it so obvious to the sleeping masses.

  3. funny youtube video about madoff: