Sunday, November 1, 2009
Walmart announces parking lot funerals and in-store cremations at every day low prices
Fresh on the heels of their very successful online casket sales, Walmart is announcing today the introduction of tent funerals in their parking lots and a green program of in-store crematoriums.
Spokesman Mark Myword elaborates....
"In keeping with Walmart's cradle to grave objective, we will extend our everyday low prices to those Americans who cannot afford a traditional funeral. In these hard times we will offer the best discount parking lot services, complete with pre-recorded sermons and music in any language desired. Walmart employees, while on break, will be available as mourners."
Also announced was a major environmental initiative for in store crematoriums that will be fueled by the millions of Chinese cardboard packing containers that arrive each day.
Nancy Pelosi, in a press conference, praised Walmart as 'a depression era savior' and will introduce legislation tomorrow that will exempt all of their locations from air pollution laws by adding a $1 carbon tax to each cremation.
The Walmart spokesman also said that for those opposed to cremation, the globalist conglomerate will embark on an aggressive buying spree of local 'mom and pop' stores that have closed due to the competition that Walmart provides and turn them into crypts. "Eternal housing for your loved ones" is the proposed marketing theme.
In an unsurprising move, K-Mart said they would counter Walmart in this endeavor and to watch for in-store 'blue light specials'.....coming soon.