Aching News

In breaking news, holocaust investigators in Germany and Poland have found long lost bunkers from the World War II era filled with soap.

Fresh on the heels of the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum shocking report of the discovery of 42,500 Nazi ghettos and camps throughout Europe that were previously unknown, the bunkers of soap apparently answers the question of "What happened to all of the bodies?'

Self appointed spokesman Elie Weasel released this statement:

"The discovery of 6 million bars of soap in the hidden bunkers puts an end to the holocaust deniers claim that it was mathematically and physically impossible to gas and burn the great number of our sacred victims without leaving any trace. Secret Nazi technology rendered the bodies into soap which was then stockpiled for use later on in the Reich world order."

Abe Fauxman bitterly lashed out at skeptics:

"Anti-Semitic revisionists are continuing their slander. There is absolutely no credence to their claim that the soap also contains remnants of gypsies, tramps and thieves. Our testing will conclude that the soap is pure jewish....as pure as the jewish genome is throughout the world."

DNA samples from the soap are now being taken which will be matched to the DNA of all living Ashkenazi jews on earth. New York and Tel Aviv lawyers are lining up to cash in on the new round of reparation lawsuits in honor of these newly found vicsims victims. Estimates range that upwards of $6 trillion may be extorted gladly given by the guilt ridden countries involved in the 'clean up.'

Investigators are continuing their search in Europe using ground penetrating radar to find more of the bunkers. Expectations are high that this will result in the discovery of millions of.....lampshades.